Pain

It's the middle of the night and I can actually say my mind is calm (as calm as mine ever gets.) I have a list of things running through my mind but laying here listening to the soothing sound of my sisters dog snoring is relaxing my whole body.
It's in a moment like this when I know im tired and have things that must be done I begin to worry about all that must be done. We all say there is not enough time in the day. Im proud to say I know there is and I just wish I could use it.
To be successful its all about management. I know everything I must do and have deadlines for it all but I have one problem, I can't use the time sitting right in front of me. I know its a sorry excuse but thanks to pain issues by 3 in the afternoon I'm practically dead. My words slur my eyes are barely open and I can't keep a thought in my head for more than a few minutes.
So everyday I find myself taking my evening nap and usually wake up when the pain is either worse or somewhat relieved. Does this mess with my sleeping pattern? You bet. But even if I do end up staying up most the night by the time I'm in bed I can sleep for only a few hours before my pain brings me back out of it.
What about pain management? Well that seems to be an ongoing job. So I guess my question is how do I stay focused and determined not to mention productive when I have this giant issue looming over me at all times? Even now I'm regulating my breathing because my ribs hurt and trying to determine if I should put my tens machine on to sleep.
What cruel games the world plays on us. I know I'm not the only one who goes through issues with health. Unfortunately the world doesn't seem to care or want to help a person in my position. We live in a fast paced society and if we aren't running as soon as we hit the floor in the morning we never keep up. So for people like me we better hit the floor sprinting and never stop for gas. It's no wonder the health in our culture is steadly declining. I'm so blessed that I have the opportunity to get some of this under control while I'm in school. I just wish there was something out there for truly disadvantaged people to help them get through life.
Yes there is social security and disability but most of us dont qualify or get turned down and end up working ourselves into an early grave.
A heavy thought but one that ways my mind every time I have to lay down, or miss out on an activity, when I do poorly in school because the pain is too distracting....

Thank you Sherlock

A typical night. I woke up from my nap (yes evening nap's) and laid here with dash looking at fb. Finally I stir enough to know that dash needs to be fed but is thirsty and needs a potty break, how I know this? His eyes. If you've ever seen me with a dog then you know how easily I can just "talk" with them.
With people you can't talk the same way. If you know how to look at someone and read them and see them for them you know how to work them. But if you did that to a human you wouldn't be met with open arms. Sadly I find joy and comfort in reading people. Have a five minute conversation and I could tell you what troubles you and what you're afraid of what pleasures you etc.
Now maybe I'm writing this blog today because I've been.watching and reading too much Sherlock lately or maybe its just time to express the real opinion I've built up over the years thanks to my readings.
The world needs to grow a pair and look at others instead of themselves. I have met very few people who look at others strictly from respect and wanting to help, not even to make themselves feel good.
A typical read goes like this. Your opinion of me, you long to be as strong as you pretend to be, life around you just isn't what you want, you do blank to make yourself feel better.
You get the idea. We have all been settling for things but why? What fear should we have to deny ourselves happiness. I don't care what your beliefs may be but in no way do I understand life than to find happiness. News flash It's ok to be selfish!
If we would truly put ourselves first we would be way happier. I know we've been trained to think and do the opposite but really think does that make you happy? You say well yeah, no shut up look inside you that dark spot you ignore that takes over little by little, you know your core, now ask are you happy with this belief? No.
So how do you change? That's the easy part listen to your first reaction. Think is the best benefit for me? Screw all those fairy tails you've been told and remember when you leave this world it will be by yourself! You came in that way at the end of the night you are alone with your own thoughts there isn't two people in there just one. That one person is whom you have to make happy.
I can hear all the Christian poke thinking that this isn't right. Let me sum that one up. You're taught repeatedly throughout the bible that you should remain single and in church taught that god is within yourselves. Now put two and two together, its ok to make your damn selves happy.
Stop making someone else happy because you think you can be happy doing so and go have some fun for yourself, if said person doesn't wanna come along I guess that's their problem.
Sorry this isn't the nicest of messages but hey gotta say what I feel is right and our world needs a wake up call. I love this world and the people that comprise it. We all want to achieve this notion of peace and in order for that to happen we must become peaceful within. Start by being happy, even if it seems wrong just do what's right for you. In the end we will either be blissful in our chaos or feel the wonderful sensation peace can bring to you. Either way doesn't seem too bad
Ok, the end, for now my rantings have gone on long enough.

Sexy pictures

As strange as it may seem I think every woman (maybe men) should have naked pictures taken of them. What better a way to boost ones confidence than to have someone look at those pictures and tell you how sexy or attractive you are. I'm not saying we should all go out and be in playboy but it can be a personal thing. No one but you and your lover need know.
It seems a little strange but honestly it is one of the most liberating feelings a woman can have. A memory that stays with you to boost your confidence. It may seem a little scandalous in some minds, but to me and many others the human body is a beautiful thing and what better way to look at it than in the nude?
We are all beautiful in our physical form and I think the world should be a little less shy and really embrace that. Just make sure you draw the line with your significant other so the thought of unfaithfulness doesn't arise.
Enjoy your body no matter how it looks!

Blessed be

starting fresh

hear we go another year another time same goals 
so now what am I supposed to do? I have the same goals as ever and no plans to fulfill them. This all seems pretty pointless if you ask me going round and round trying to better ourselves and never truly just being happy.
It takes a lot of work for anyone to just be content. I see no problem with that. I've been told that I'm just afraid of change but people never listen they just hear words. I am content to be who I am. I have my goals but I understand that I won't be achieving them by sprinting but rather by running a marathon.
So this year I have the same goals as ever (lose weight, keep living, love, etc.) But this year I have one (rather two) new ones: be patient and embrace the moment.
It's the 28th of January and I'm just getting to this but I see no problem with that, I do tend to be lazy after all. But I've forced myself to have thinking time (I know eek.) So here is how it is right now. It's 430 in the morning I can't sleep we are celebrating my moms bday tonight where I will go over my calorie limit yet again. As usual I'm not comfortable in my house, I'm struggling in my current class (a first by any standard) I've pushed my boyfriend away.
Let me elaborate on the last. I love Alan dearly but I have this problem, I still love my husband ( yeah I know its a topic to be disgust later, I'm sure a lot). Heath lives in Texas I am stuck in god forsaken Colorado. Our families hate each other, like mine hates him and his hates me. I was run out of town to find out four months later he was getting ready to have a kid. So now I'm a stepmother to a kid I don't even know. He can't move and still keep a position like his and I'm stuck here for school. We love each other and are still attracted but realize we just can't be with each other. So we decided to move on... Kind of. He is with cimm I'm with Alan. I love Alan, heath isn't sure about cimm but hey its his kids mom. We've settled. The story of Alan and I is a long one but not now. It's for the reason above that being with Alan another committed relationship that I feel my heart in pieces. I don't want to lose heath (yes I know I have already) not again. Not only do I love him but he is best friend and he has been the best friend I've ever had. If I'm with Alan Alan forces me not to talk to heath, or any guy really. Sorry I'm flirty its a personality flaw. But if I can be this open about my feelings with him you'd think he'd trust me but no.
So here we are a month back together and I had to tell him to back off me. Dear lord the problems in which relationships create, its no wonder god said we should just stay single. Really it makes perfect sense.
I guess we can only wait to see what happens. Well till the next time.

Blessed Be

The little things that make a moment possible

The moment of victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else." Martina Navratilova

This really makes you think, and not in a very positive light at first. But now that i've had some time to let this soak in i think i get it. Victory is this moment, what's next? Now i've talked throughout the week about staying present of the current moment and enjoying it. I believe there is still room to look to the future however. I mean if i embraced this actual moment, i wouldn't even be sure what key to press next.
It's about moderation. In the negative thoughts that this makes me think it pushes me even more to enjoy my life for what it is, because then every moment is victory. But i agree victory is a short lived emotion, just like that high you get when you first fall for someone. As short lived as it may be it doesn't mean you shouldn't embrace it. Just remember that there are other things. My day wasn't just wonderful because i found out my boyfriend will be in town for christmas, but for all the little things as well, i got through class, i'm getting along with my family, i have a wonderful dog, and enjoy my schooling

Remember not to be so focused on the exact moment that you forget the entire picture of what made the moment so great, because most of those things can remain present as long as you choose to. No matter what i have Dash and everyday he makes me happy, he is my constant, everything else comes and go just enjoy the moment for what it is.

Blessed Be

Allow yourself to have it

No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it." Richard Bach

This is a wonderful follow up to yesterdays quote. Even though we want to live in the present we will always have goals. What better way to achieve those goals by just allowing ourselves to? I know that sounds nice and easy, lets face it that can be one of the hardest things in the world. But does it have to be?
If you take away all the material things that you see in your ideal world, what is the person that you want to be? We have been taught since we were children to practice practice, and that eventually we will get it. That's exactly what you have to do when you want to change something for the better. Put on that mask embrace the person you want to be. Eventually it won't be a mask and you'll have become that person you want to be. Soon after you'll look around and notice that those material things just happen to follow along.
Just like the lesson from the previous quote remember that you must embrace who you are in the moment, be who you want in THIS moment don't wait until tomorrow. Everything else will come. Love yourself and live for yourself in the moment.

Blessed Be

Who are we?

"To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are."
This anonymous quote was my inspirational quote for the day, and it really made me think.

In our world we are constantly working to improve ourselves and the things around us; but, what about what already is. I am trying to be a healthy beautiful individual, but if i let that desire consume me then i'm nothing more than a desire and i'll completely forget what i am. We love to live in the past or in the future. Well what about living in the now. So that's going to be my new personal goal, to live in the now.

Right now i am a paralegal student suffering from extreme pain with enough passion that i work through it. I am a beautiful woman with a loving family and set of friends. I am!