starting fresh

hear we go another year another time same goals 
so now what am I supposed to do? I have the same goals as ever and no plans to fulfill them. This all seems pretty pointless if you ask me going round and round trying to better ourselves and never truly just being happy.
It takes a lot of work for anyone to just be content. I see no problem with that. I've been told that I'm just afraid of change but people never listen they just hear words. I am content to be who I am. I have my goals but I understand that I won't be achieving them by sprinting but rather by running a marathon.
So this year I have the same goals as ever (lose weight, keep living, love, etc.) But this year I have one (rather two) new ones: be patient and embrace the moment.
It's the 28th of January and I'm just getting to this but I see no problem with that, I do tend to be lazy after all. But I've forced myself to have thinking time (I know eek.) So here is how it is right now. It's 430 in the morning I can't sleep we are celebrating my moms bday tonight where I will go over my calorie limit yet again. As usual I'm not comfortable in my house, I'm struggling in my current class (a first by any standard) I've pushed my boyfriend away.
Let me elaborate on the last. I love Alan dearly but I have this problem, I still love my husband ( yeah I know its a topic to be disgust later, I'm sure a lot). Heath lives in Texas I am stuck in god forsaken Colorado. Our families hate each other, like mine hates him and his hates me. I was run out of town to find out four months later he was getting ready to have a kid. So now I'm a stepmother to a kid I don't even know. He can't move and still keep a position like his and I'm stuck here for school. We love each other and are still attracted but realize we just can't be with each other. So we decided to move on... Kind of. He is with cimm I'm with Alan. I love Alan, heath isn't sure about cimm but hey its his kids mom. We've settled. The story of Alan and I is a long one but not now. It's for the reason above that being with Alan another committed relationship that I feel my heart in pieces. I don't want to lose heath (yes I know I have already) not again. Not only do I love him but he is best friend and he has been the best friend I've ever had. If I'm with Alan Alan forces me not to talk to heath, or any guy really. Sorry I'm flirty its a personality flaw. But if I can be this open about my feelings with him you'd think he'd trust me but no.
So here we are a month back together and I had to tell him to back off me. Dear lord the problems in which relationships create, its no wonder god said we should just stay single. Really it makes perfect sense.
I guess we can only wait to see what happens. Well till the next time.

Blessed Be