The Circles We Dance

We all do it in one form or another, and usually over the same thing.
We want love and companionship in our lives. Whatever form that might be to you. I've always pictured this as a grand waltz type dance. Everyone in the room spinning around the floor, wanting to dance with the same person. That persons name? Love.
There are a few of us blessed with the ability to find this person at just one dance. But, for the rest of us we find someone and, for fault of our own or theirs, what we convinced ourselves was love was nothing more than an illusion.
We go through the heart break, the confusion, and torment which follows. Then at some point we put ourselves back together enough to get back on that dance floor. We tell ourselves "i've learned my lesson this will be the one, i've learned my lesson." Suddenly, before you know it you're in the same situation as before.
But what did we do wrong? This person was nothing like the others at first. We keep asking and presuming that something is wrong with ourselves.
We play this game for years. Some of us give up all together, others accept that what we get is what we are stuck with, and others just keep fighting somehow. Then there are the few who eventually find "The One."
At this point in our lives how can we accept this is the truth? battered, bruised, betrayed our heart is just so unwilling to trust our intuition which has failed us in the past. So we turn our backs and keep playing in our little circle, the same type of person in our pasts continuing to infect us. Well as always it doesn't work out...
You're alone again.... but something is a little different. That person you walked away from "The One" well that person is still there. You start thinking what the hell is wrong with this person? But somehow you slowly become friends never making a commitment. You start opening up and find yourself happy, you have the ability to open up to someone without having this horrible sense of guilt placed upon you. But you just aren't there.
You continue to go in circles with your dead end relationships, thinking each time "THIS HAS GOT TO BE IT!!" Never is, but each time you finally walk away "The One" is still there. Somehow you haven't hurt this person yet. What's the deal? They must truly love you...
So how do you just take the leap? Can you walk away from the life of disappointment you're use to?

Well I'm going to try. I know who i love, who is always there, and treats me the way every girl dreams of. After over ten years we both deserve it. Yes I am terrified, but he knows that and i know he will hold me up no matter what.
I pray ALL of you are able to find your perfect one whether it be in your current relationship, or something to come in the future. Remember not to give up or give in we ALL deserve to be that crazy fairy tell happy, it does exist, it's just a little difficult to find lol



"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too" Rascal Flatts -My Wish

Fleeting Thoughts

Maybe I'm just crazy, well wait we know I'm crazy but have you ever noticed how many thoughts pass through your mind throughout the day that you would love to elaborate either in personal reflection or communication with others?
It's classic to say "if i can't remember its not important" or "if it matters it'll come back to me"
But honestly I've found that it's those fleeting thoughts, much like dreams, that really have the potential to open our minds and give us the ability to not only grasp but recognize new concepts.
Then the great part is when those ideas come back to us in "aha" moment as my teacher would say. There is a multitude of events that can jog that brain floating inside in our heads, like rambling on just now finally smacked the idea I've been playing with all day back into the forefront of my mind.
Being a person that has a brain moving at a thousand miles an hour i have to admit thoughts very rarely stay with me for more than a few seconds, if that at times. Like dreams in the time it takes to just roll over the most exciting, crazy, passionate, insightful dreams are gone. I've tried keeping dream journals, but lets face it i gotta pee when i first wake up and turn the light on let the pups out right away by the time i sit back in my bed to jot down that really cool dream i just had I'm lucky to remember even 2 that I've had in an entire month.
Now when I'm on my own studying, cleaning, reading, playing games, it's easier to grasp these thoughts. All i have to do is put one trigger word on a piece of paper toss it into my purse or pocket. Later it's great when i come across that paper i can give the topic the attention it deserves and then apply whatever it is in my life or share it with others.
But lets face it if you're having a conversation or out with a bunch of people it's not always going to be appropriate to write something down real quick. so what do you do? my teacher has taught our class a bunch of ways we could initiate triggers subtly. they don't work! well not for this scatter brain.
If anyone knows me you know that i just tend to ramble on at a quick pace jumping from subject to subject with very strong opinions, you'd swear i was Italian lol. I admit this is a major fault and yes it is worse in person than in writing. So the question remains, how do i cage those thoughts in order so that i may play with and free them later? it may be time to invest in a voice recorder and just accept that I'll have to be a little rude so i can keep my sanity. but really who knows...

The witching hour

Here it is just minutes before Samhain officially begins for the year. the power brooding inside ever cell of my body is almost overwhelming. Artemis (who shares my vessel) loves to take over around this time of year. The power, the magic that i am able to produce these next few days is stronger than i can imagine on a normal day.
The urge to dance to sing to praise cant be any stronger than the witching hour, and tonight of all nights while i still have control of my actions is indescribable. I suddenly know where all of Artemis's belongings are. The vale between the spirit world and the physical world is so thin and for those like me who carry such strong spirits this is the most wonderful of holidays.
Halloween can be a great celebration but rarely will you see those like me gallivanting around in costumes taking the night to party. We find ourselves busy performing the most powerful magic of the year. I've taken my day to prepare my meal my dances my spells, and everything else i need. i'm just glad i was able to get my homework done because i can't hold on any longer, i just wish i was able to take that beast out of my friend tomorrow night. everyone enjoy and those who truly celebrate Blessed Be!! Happy new year may you be guided on a path of light in times of such turmoil and aggression against one another. Most of all enjoy the next couple days and the celebrations we have prepared!!! It's time for Artemis to take over now, she loves you

Two Years

It's been almost two years and i'm finally getting back into my regular routine. I won't go on about all the crappy details of what has happened since then. But simply map out that i'm back in Colorado the only thing i have left is my baby Dash, i'm dating someone who is nothing of what i figured i'd be with, and i decided to go to school for paralegal with hopes of one day being a defense attorney.
The night before last i made an observation that the simple act of letting Dash out of my parents room to be with me was the highlight of my day. I am really starting to believe that as long as you can find one little joy everyday you can't be lost, your hope will never be gone.
I'm over half way through my first term in school and as exciting as that may be the stress of school, home, no job, and my boyfriend being 45 minutes away is starting to wear me down. Proof being that the doctor decided to up all of my medications. It seems to of helped i can think rationally and my emotions don't completely spin out of control. However, i just can't seem to find a way to fix the stress I'm experiencing. This whole weekend i've been trying to study for my math test on monday, well trying is giving me too much credit the most i've done is looked at my books.
I just can't seem to find a way to focus on something i don't even wanna do when i have many more things pulling my mind apart but i think i have some ideas. Let the listing begin!!!

• Two more weeks of this class!!!
• If i pass with an A i can help people next term who are in the same situation i find myself
  
• This class pretty much doesn't apply to my career
  
• If i can pick out the key notes then i can pass
• If i do a little at a time i can spend some time on myself!! or whatever else (there is a nice pile of sims 2 games siting to the right of me lol

Well lets see if i can do it, wish me luck.

Oh and my one moment today was my breakfast falling off my tortilla right into the middle of my plate lol such a me moment

Twilight

Ok so I'm standing here in line waiting to see New Moon. Never did i think that I'd get wrapped up in something like this! I remember when the first movie came out and I thought it was just silly. We'll a friend of mine keg talking about the books and I started to think that maybe I should read this saga everyone is talking about. It wasn't till last spring though that I picked up the first book.
Two days and two books later I was officially a fan. Then I saw the movie and was comentating through the whole thing. Its not very often that an author can create a story that appeals to all generations much less is actually appropriate. The books are a very VERY easy read but the story is so captivating it just blows your mind.
What a talent Stephanie Meyer has to truly be able to talk much less touch a vast range of people. Its no wonder that I am here waiting to get into a movie that won't open its doors for another hour and a half.

This does seem like an awfully silly thing to be doing on a Saturday night but how silly can it be? I think everyone has their own obsession and a good cult movie really let's you be a kid again. Just look at Pulp Fiction, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Star Wars and Star Trek. These are just a few with a massive cult following. It has been years since the last cult was started and what a better story than this?

So call me silly a dork whatever it may be but here I am waiting and what's worse is I already have two movies in my mind which I will be attending midnight showings. Enjoy the things you can and don't regret what you enjoy for you never know when you'll get the chance again.

Breaking Point

we tend to put ourselves under a lot of stress no matter what age or situation. Some of it is our own making some is our environment. But how long can you build on that stress or let it set there until you can't take anymore? Them once you are there how do you choose to handle it?
Well I about at my breaking point and let's be honest I'm not sure how much longer my rational mind will continue to control my animal instincts. the stress began when my boyfriend lost his job. I continued to believe that it wouldn't be that bad and put everything on the back burner. Well after a few months that pot started boiling. After we got the water under control its like a pot of grease started boiling and every so often as we began to confront the hardships we were ignoring the grease began popping.
Well now the grease is starting to pour over and instead of moving the pot off the burner I'm trying to just turn the heat down. Some how it seems I keep spinning that dial the wrong way.
I find myself on the brink of coming unglued and with one thought left to keep me together we will see how strong it is. Every once in awhile my tears start falling which tells me how ill react once I've finally broke. Violently.
whenever I find myself in a Stressful situation its like my emotions react the exact opposite of what my actions will be once I've boiled over. The maelstrom which is fixing to hit might not leave a lot in its wake.
As it is I've had it and am only containing myself for one reason. Seeing as how that reason will soon be leaving the uncaring side of me will be revealed. The fact is I will not be put on the back burner!

Kindness

"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."- Aesop

This quote makes me wonder what you consider as an act of kindness? You can be a wonderful and caring person gracing others purely with your presence. Allow others to strive to be better. However there is the Flip side of this where people become jealous because they've been forced to acknowledge there own flaws and are therefore threatened by that righteous person. So would being a good person and living to your best that you may inspire others actually be considered and act of kindness?
reading this quote you can interpret it in two lights. The first being that your kindness will acquire positive outcomes and thankfulness from others. However the later of the interpretations seems to be more likely.
We can do kind things and be considered a kind person and feel like there is a world of things wrong with our being. You may wonder how this is possible. Well to me what this qoute stands for is that your good deeds create action. That action can be seen as good or bad. To me as long as your kindness invokes change in others it really has gone unwasted. This change can present itself one of two ways and it all depends upon how open that person is to change and self criticism.
Your kindness can be returned as thankfulness, and truly this is what we all desire. But god loves to test the righteous and often the change you invoke in people whether directly or indirectly comes back as a negative reaction. others can act as they hate or resent you asking you to feel remorseful of your actions and condemning what you do.
Don't let this get you down though. This is a natural reaction and gods little way of testing your core self, as he loves to do. We are a very stubborn and lazy species kind of like a donkey when you think about it. There is so much room for personal growth, whether it spiritual physical or mental, but we stay in the same pasture and will only begin to move forward if pushed or guided the right way.
We naturally want to dig our haunch's into the ground and stay right where we are at where its comfortable and warm. Who really wants to step out of our comfort zone just for what seems like a tiny ray of light that things may be better off? As understandable as this is we must step out of our comfort zone in order to change and if we want any ambition for a better life we must accept that pushing and tugging and just step out of our pasture.
As kids we weren't afraid of change or rejection we could go out for a sports team get denied and keep trying. So why not remember your inner child and accept the challenge and become a stronger person.
Now I was wondering if a kind good and righteous person just living to honor themselves and that which is around them is considered an act of kindness. To me it is for he simple fact that by living as they do they invoke change in others. Do you invoke change? well we all do so why not be a role model and not tare others down. We will all be challenged and asked to change but it is your reaction that will continue to let that positive kind energy flow. So when was the last time you lashed out at another or resented them? Was it because you might have been that donkey not wanting to budge? Well take the chance today to turn that around instead of a donkey become a doe frolicking in the pasture. I won't guarantee you won't find a pot hole every once in awhile but you'll be exploring and having a great time through the cold and the warmth.