Desire

It's strange that when we let go the things we've desired for so long finally come to us.

My mom for the longest time has resented my beliefs, and i've had a strong desire to help her understand in anyway i can. Come to find that she refused to acknowledge them because she was afraid of accepting that she believed in very similar things.

I'd given up on my mom about a year ago, but for sure about 2-3 months ago. As soon as that happened things started changing in her life that she had no choice but to look to me to help her through the change, and give some understanding.

Sympathetic magic has really shown it's existence to her. She ha recently started desiring change in her life on many different fields. As soon as she just said "i want this to happen i'm done screwing around" it did. She was guided to The Journey. It's a great way of sharing shamanistic, and eastern beliefs in self healing, in a catholic phrasing. So people can accept things instead of running high tail the other way.

I've slowly been pointing out the similarities to my mother, and i'm happy to say we've become even closer because of the events in her life. She's accepting that my beliefs aren't scary, and evil, that infact they make a lot of sense especially to her. She's begining to understand how things work, and realizing that in her self is the magic which i tend to display so easily.

I'm happy to be my mother's guide, and humbeled that she's asked me to help guide and teach her on this powerful journey.

Lazy

not sure if it's the change of season or that i haven't taken a break physically for almost 2 months. but the laze has hit me like a brick. So considering even my horoscope picked up on this, i'm sure there's a reason of some sort that i don't want to do anything physical. So i'm going to take the week off from and serious physical activity, the most being a walk with bear. I'll take some time to meditate, and study up on runes and what ever else. Then saturday will bring the return of the gym rat

Season change

New friends, new faith (renewed really), new me!!

With this years Autumnal Equinox an abundance of change accompanies it. I couldn't be happier where i'm at with life, with the changes that are occurring, and those which will come. After this evening i feel like i can take on anything that life decides to throw my way. The next few months are going to be wonderful in many ways, and i can't wait to see what's in store. True we are stepping into the dark, but the fire in my heart is continuing to light the way. I have a feeling new love, challenges about my sense of self, and a fall will be coming in the next months. Granted i read astrology and love to, but these are all things i feel will happen none that i've read. For good and bad i'm ready, my heart is open and willing to live no matter what.

Autumn 2008 i welcome you!!!

sore

A year ago i remember arguing with a close friend that being sore all the time was a bad thing. Now i still agree with that statement, however i think i understand him a bit more. For the past several months i've turned back into the gym rat that lives within me. Getting about 3-4 hours of exercise in a day, i feel wonderful. But what does tend to come with that is a certain ache. I'm not really sore but the left over feeling of a good exercise burn is just so comfortable. I feel i've accomplished something. The days i don't have that feeling before i go to bed i feel lazy, and granted it takes a lot to get that feeling. Some think i over work my body, but i think i'm right on for my physical needs. It's a nice welcome place i find my relationship with my body, and i intend to keep it for many years to come.

oneness

I'm really starting to feel that we are all one. I've known for a long time that this was true, but to actually feel it is amazing. I'm feeling how a positive attitude, will bring about positive things. that The desire for change will lead to it. The past year has been a remarkable journey for me in mind, spirit, and body. I'm so happy to be at the place which i currently find myself. The new friends, and awareness i've gained will be life long. It's nice to think that i'll live beyond 35 yrs of age, and that old age will be a wonderful experience. I find myself yearning to take life by the horns, and live every moment to the fullest, not because i won't have a chance, but just for the enjoyment. I understand that there is joy in everything. I find that i don't have bad days anymore. and that one hickup won't ruin the day, or my attitude. I'm glad to finally become one with the earth, and all the beings in it. I know that i am a part of this earth, not just a being on it.

Drained

It's amazing how much you can learn about yourself just from sharing your experience with others. Today was felt miserable, energetically speaking. I shared this with my mom and talking with her it clicked as to why i feel like this. Ritual!

Last night we had a wonderful full moon ritual. I tend to not fully realize how much energy i'm giving during ritual. I can feel the energy being raised and i know ritual is ALWAYS a powerful experience, but it surprises me how much it drains from me.

So thru the help of dance music, exercise, and meditation i'm back on track!! Just the music itself is enough to bring me back. It's amazing how energizing a good techno song will be. The affects last all day, both emotionally, and physically.

Well now that it has clicked next weeks ritual will be followed the next day upon waking with a nice techno song. It is kinda funny tho that in a way i have an energy hangover, lol, i never get real hangovers.

Reactions

Life is such a funny thing to look upon. For instance the way people, really any living being, reacts to situations. Like my dog could care less about my cat, Caleb, BUT when he's running down the street because the stupid cat picked another fight, bear's dragging me down the street not chasing the black cat NO he's chasing Caleb, the one he ignores all the time. anyway
So on our way home from dinner tonight we had to flip a bitch in the jeep. As we're turning POP. Granted this car has been thru a few axles in it's day, so naturally i thought here we go again, but that's about as much as it phased me. I never thought i'd be the level headed one in the family but sure enough. We pull the car over my dad gets out and checks things out doesn't see anything.
As he gets back into the car he makes some rude remark that it was my mothers fault. So naturally my mom takes offense to the whole situation. She shakes her head and we drive home with the occasional yell from my father to be quiet.
During the whole thing my sister just kind of shys back into her cocoon, not to emerge for the rest of the night. Myself i think
1 no one's hurt
2 at least we weren't in texas going to terlingua
3 my mom didn't want to go to her convention tomorrow anyway, much less a walk with me when we got home
4 god my dad's a prick

so we get home take another look at the car i crawl underneath, nothing. we drive it around the block a couple times so we can listen to it. As i go thru my mind i realize it's most likely a broken bearing, no big deal, but kind pricey to repair.
As we walk in my dad decides to voice his opinion this time letting my mom know that trip he and i had been planning was now ruined (most likely true) because of her (not true). My mom just goes upstairs and starts to clean, at least i know where i got angry cleaning from.


It's just curious to see the way people act. My father likes to lash out at everyone and inflict blame, never taking responsibility or accepting that things just happen. my mom doesn't really react to the problem itself, but more the ripples that will come, she'll immediately become defensive, probably from being around my father for 30 yrs. My sister chooses not to react by pretending not to be in the situation. Then there's me i see the good and bad of the situation and don't have a general reaction but like to point out the pros and cons to those around me.
Reaction is a curious thing to watch. Honestly i don't think i was really affected by this whole thing because a part of me knew the trip wasn't going to happen for some reason.

meh. c'est la vie

Sunshine

I love waking up in the morning with those BEAUTIFUL morning rays seeping thru my blinds. Inviting me to share the glorious day that's about to take place. After i wake up, as i open the blinds a blast of energy hits me. I take a moment to absorb the powerful energy coming from the sun, maybe go out side and do a little sun salutation. As my eye's open to the brightness my soul opens to the greatness of the universe.
Many times i feel like steam fluttering away towards the heavens only to be closer to the stars. What a journey it would be to simply float in the sky, looking down upon mother earths creation, feeling the energies of trillions of lifeforms running thru me all at once.
With the morning sunshine brings an endless number of possibilities. Only thru truly living every moment will i get to feel what that energy had in store for me that day. It makes perfect sense that gloom comes with cloud cover, when the sun fades away in the winter. And then life bounces back in praise to the sun come spring.
Well i hope the sun will have a good rest come winter because until then i'm gonna take as much positive reinforcement from it that i can.

A beautiful day

I have to admit as of late this is one of my favorite songs. Granted it's a bit more of a techno version. But every time i listen to it it reminds me that there is beauty in everything, and that with ambition i can achieve my wildest dreams.
I tend to set a lot of goals. I'm able to see where i want to be but have a hard time taking those baby steps toward the ultimate goal. Because of this i have to set goals like a mad women. Yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily. It helps to have reminders of what you want in the long run. That i'm achieving those things by the little things i do everyday. Lately the big goals have been getting in the way. So now i need to make a 5 year goal list.
Once i go over this list i can think about each thing and figure out what steps i need to take.

The biggest difficulty has been knowing that i may not be able to live the way i want in order to get my goals achieved. I want to have a layed back lifestyle, and plenty of time to enjoy the little things in life. I want to have time to continue my 2+ hour workouts at the gym everyday, and go for midnight walks with bear. However i'm finding that, where as that's a great goal, i can't achieve all that at once. Life is here to live to the fullest, and i won't be doing that if i don't dive in and just get a full time job.
Things may be a little harder, but i know i'll achieve what i want in the long run. Plus struggle always tends to make things juicier. So i've done it i've gotten a full time job, and it may not be something i want to do right now, but it's a baby step. It'll open the door for me to do what i want and keep me from this stand still i've grown so acustomed to.

The American Child

Ok when i think, stereotypical American child, i think overweight mediocre grades no athletic talent loves video games watches a lot of tv and doesn't have a very good imagination.

Well i went on a hike this morning with my lovely sister. granted i go to the gym almost everyday, but she's 11 yrs old and couldn't even do half my pace. She's overweight, yeah yeah she's a growing girl, it's more than that. She refuses to do sports, she barely passes in her classes, and has an obsession for vid games and tv. she has a pretty artistic string in her when she chooses to use it. But honestly that's about all she has goin for her, and she's too lazy to pursue.
i love my sister dearly, most the time she's my best friend. I'm glad i'm able to influence her in a positive manner. however today i was really disappointed in her when i realized she'd become the stereotypical American child that the country is ashamed of.
Well she is just giving me even more motivation to work my hardest to set a good example and help other onto the path of a fully healthy lifestyle. Which includes exercise, diet, emotional well being, faith in some form or another.
I've decided thru my own personal journey/struggle with genetics that i want to become a nutrionist or physical trainer. Something in the "health nut" field, as my mom says. What better way could i give back to the world than to take my own experiance, learn from it and help others through the same challenges.
Right now i'm working on my sister. She knows she's overweight, and she's not happy with it. I want to be there every step with her aas she journies throughout her teenage years, cuz lets face it they are a bitch. Right now i can't do much about diet because the parentals control that. BUT i am paying for her membership to the gym, and i train her in the pool atleast once a week. Although it's frustrating to hike so slowly i don't mind going with her. Getting outside is a wonderful way of sparking her imagination and getting exercise in.
As for the faith side of things, i'm all about finding your own path. Mine just so happens to be in wicca, but who knows where hers may lie. She's very interested in learning about my faith, but i don't want to limit her mind. I'll be there with her and expose her to everything she askes about. I love my sister and even if she does turn out to be a fat and unsuccesful person i will thrive to inspire thru my own actions, and know that she is happy where she is.
for it is only our actions that we can control, to attempt to change others is a waste of time and emotional energy. That's not to say that it's bad to desire change in others. But what better way to change others than to inspire it in them thru your own actions?

The season of change♦

Well you can really start to feel the change into fall during these last few weeks. It's like nothing i can really explain, but that i feel it in my bones. It makes sense though. As i was walking bear tonight i realized why this season is touching me, this year, more than ever before.
I'm moving on. I'm growing up if you will. I've left the past, and childish actions behind me, and i'm ready for the future. The world has changed in my eyes, and heart. It's a more beautiful thing, i tend to cherish life more. I can now see things from a first and third person perspective. My actions, though still fast and sometimes careless, are thought out.
The fall is also a time of reflection and learning. I've made that a ritualistic habit with everything i do now. i realize how i may have approached a situation in the past, what i can learn from then and what i can apply to the present.
Things are looking up and i'm happy to say i think i am making that transformation into adulthood. I'm ready to grow up and take responsability for my actions, i'm not afraid to be turned down, and to admit that i have flaws. i know i'm not invincable, and that thru my pain i will learn to be a better person day to day

Opening of the Heart

It has been almost a year since i've broken up with Casey and moved home. It's been 5 months since it finally hit me (no pun intended) what he really did to me, during that relationship. It has been in those 5 months that i've really come into myself, or maybe i've just woken up from a deep sleep.
Coming into myself i've discovered a lot, good and bad. I'm happy to say that "i AM happy and i know what i want in life." Now maybe things like career, relationships, etc are up in the air, BUT my general desires are well known to me now. I'm the driven person that checked into the hospital in Feb. '05 and never came out.
Well i'm tired of being down on myself, i'm tired of letting silly things get to me, and i'm absolutely DONE with anything negative. I've taken what seems to be the hard steps leaving Casey, quiting all drugs, leaving behind my friends, etc. But come to find the realization that i have comitment issues, can't accept love from others, and don't even believe in individual love is the hardest thing thus far.
Thanks to my teacher last week, and working with my chakra energy earlier this week, i've been able to realize there's a lot of work to be done. I can love people for their flaws, i can love myself (sometimes too much), hell i can love a tree just for being there. Yet when that love is for me it doesn't make sense. Yeah i know, how can someone love everything but not be loved in return? well as they say "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"
I can't find it in myself to just accept that love, i feel that everytime i've let that love come into me it's been without reward. I tend to give my all in EVERYTHING i do. i know i've expected TOO much in the past. Now tho i am the total opposite i expect nothing. i trust that there is a happy medium out there somewhere, but i'm totally lost as to how i get there.
A part of me likes being alone, but i know deep inside that thru interaction i can trully be happy. I'm scared to try again, but after 2 broken hearts that makes sense to me. I like to make excuses and say i haven't loved, but i know that to be false i just don't know how to mend my seemingly ever breaking heart. The first love i'm told you never get over. But then there's the issue of love at first sight.
Yes i was hit! i have the scars, and bills, to proove it. But i did love him. I don't know why but one day i saw him and i was in love. Yes you may think it was only an infatuation. True. partly it was, but a wise person once told me that it's the little flaws in people that you fall in love with. I loved how he'd refuse to brush his teeth, or would argue about alcohol consumtion. Now we do silly things for love, i stayed with him. But honestly i think i indured 2 years of abuse for the pure purpose of my pride. I DIDN'T want to fail again. i wanted to be in love and have it last forever. But it wasn't destine.
So now i find myself trying to open up and let myself be loved again. I'm scared trully and deeply. This time it's the soulmate type. I KNOW he'll always be there, i KNOW he has to work on the same issues, and i KNOW we would have found each other no matter what.
I'm laughing at what i'm typing. i've never believed in soulmates and here i am confessing i've found mine. Ah but if we are soulmates then why stay apart? well that's the thing, i've never felt closer to anyone in the whole world, not even my dog kin. I could wait for eternity for this man, and i know he'd do the same. But here's the problem. I just don't know how to accept his love, and maybe i'm not suppose to right now. I have a lot to work on, but i know we can do it together. And for right now that's enough to start with.