Opening of the Heart

It has been almost a year since i've broken up with Casey and moved home. It's been 5 months since it finally hit me (no pun intended) what he really did to me, during that relationship. It has been in those 5 months that i've really come into myself, or maybe i've just woken up from a deep sleep.
Coming into myself i've discovered a lot, good and bad. I'm happy to say that "i AM happy and i know what i want in life." Now maybe things like career, relationships, etc are up in the air, BUT my general desires are well known to me now. I'm the driven person that checked into the hospital in Feb. '05 and never came out.
Well i'm tired of being down on myself, i'm tired of letting silly things get to me, and i'm absolutely DONE with anything negative. I've taken what seems to be the hard steps leaving Casey, quiting all drugs, leaving behind my friends, etc. But come to find the realization that i have comitment issues, can't accept love from others, and don't even believe in individual love is the hardest thing thus far.
Thanks to my teacher last week, and working with my chakra energy earlier this week, i've been able to realize there's a lot of work to be done. I can love people for their flaws, i can love myself (sometimes too much), hell i can love a tree just for being there. Yet when that love is for me it doesn't make sense. Yeah i know, how can someone love everything but not be loved in return? well as they say "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"
I can't find it in myself to just accept that love, i feel that everytime i've let that love come into me it's been without reward. I tend to give my all in EVERYTHING i do. i know i've expected TOO much in the past. Now tho i am the total opposite i expect nothing. i trust that there is a happy medium out there somewhere, but i'm totally lost as to how i get there.
A part of me likes being alone, but i know deep inside that thru interaction i can trully be happy. I'm scared to try again, but after 2 broken hearts that makes sense to me. I like to make excuses and say i haven't loved, but i know that to be false i just don't know how to mend my seemingly ever breaking heart. The first love i'm told you never get over. But then there's the issue of love at first sight.
Yes i was hit! i have the scars, and bills, to proove it. But i did love him. I don't know why but one day i saw him and i was in love. Yes you may think it was only an infatuation. True. partly it was, but a wise person once told me that it's the little flaws in people that you fall in love with. I loved how he'd refuse to brush his teeth, or would argue about alcohol consumtion. Now we do silly things for love, i stayed with him. But honestly i think i indured 2 years of abuse for the pure purpose of my pride. I DIDN'T want to fail again. i wanted to be in love and have it last forever. But it wasn't destine.
So now i find myself trying to open up and let myself be loved again. I'm scared trully and deeply. This time it's the soulmate type. I KNOW he'll always be there, i KNOW he has to work on the same issues, and i KNOW we would have found each other no matter what.
I'm laughing at what i'm typing. i've never believed in soulmates and here i am confessing i've found mine. Ah but if we are soulmates then why stay apart? well that's the thing, i've never felt closer to anyone in the whole world, not even my dog kin. I could wait for eternity for this man, and i know he'd do the same. But here's the problem. I just don't know how to accept his love, and maybe i'm not suppose to right now. I have a lot to work on, but i know we can do it together. And for right now that's enough to start with.